you are welcome Asking for a friend, A advice column that helps you understand your mess, the most complex friendship moments. Every month, the clinical psychologist Mirium Kirimare, PhD, will respond to the burns of readers and anonymous. Did you get your own? Here Dr. Ask Mirium,

Dear Dr. Mirium,

My friend always digs me for people, and it is honestly starting urinating me. I love her, but the pattern is so approximate: if we are out at once and have a man around, then it disappears. When she starts dating someone, I barely see her or listen until she is there. For reference-I myself am in a long-term relationship, so it’s not that I am jealous or want him to be single with me. It just feels that he is fully present and thoughtful after only a breakup, or when there is a date flax. Otherwise, I am basically his backup option.

I know he is a good person, and I really care to him. I am not sure it stems from any kind of attachment issue, but I am at a point where I want to say Some?So how should I bring it without blowing friendship or accuse it of being a “boy-wag”?

-Yours

Always later,

It is disappointing, hurting and absolutely disappointing, which is dynamic to find itself in a friendship, which lies in conventions conventions. We hope that our friendship will change life, transition and in this case, people will get it. This is even more difficult when we expect a friend’s behavior from ourselves. I saw that you compared your relationship with your friend, which tells me that it may look like a violation of both of your Expectations of friendship And your personal value.

You have already taken some important steps to manage this tension. You paid attention to a pattern, accepted your desire to stay closer, and potentially recognized the value of a conversation that helps you to do so. I am also working to understand you what to play with your friend Attachment styleWhich can be helpful to channel sympathy.

What I do not hear is more about what this feelings bring to you. And there is not much sound like a stereotypeical doctor (even though I am really wearing a cardigan while writing this answer), but I am eager: How does this make you feel?

Accepting your feelings is not just a mental exercise; This is the road for more creative interaction. You are surprised how you can bring it without allegations that are likely to be a backfire and make even more distance. Based on your question, I am going to assume that till now, you have not really interacted, and so I suggest here: be self-centered. Yes true! Instead of focusing on the difficulties of your friend’s behavior or long -term relationships you have diagnosed with your perspective, lead to yourself with your perspective. In practice, it may seem something like this:

“I am very happy that you have found yourself in a new relationship, and it makes me happy to excite me! To be honest, I have seen that I feel a little uncomfortable. Our friendship is important for me and I really want to make sure that we can find ways to prefer each other and the things we can work together.”

Here’s why it works so well: it’s Honest but not allegationsYou are getting true to your feelings And With your friend. Its Valid without excuse: You are making goodwill and buying that accepting that there is a place for change. It is also invitation-The conversation is asking and it is clear that you are looking for problems together, you open a dialogue where you don’t have all the answers. Most importantly, you are coming from the place of connection, not criticism. Share your desire to stay close, you are performing Yours Commitment to continuity and Yours The desire to have a difficult conversation that makes friendship flexible.

One last thing: I notice that you use words like “always”, “immediately”, and “whenever”, when he describes his tendency to destroy his friendship. I do not doubt the chronic or intensity of your experience and its effect is on you. But when we take membership Exaggeration (As, Always, Never) It becomes difficult to present a friend’s moments Does The way we expect or small changes spark those brave conversations. You are my advice that you stay open – seek ways you can violate your own expectations (for example, your friend will not reach out or cancel the plans). Give it priority to note – and pay attention – when your friend at those moments Does Prefer your connection. And make your gratitude vigorously. A simple, “It matters to me that I be able to spend this time together. Thank you for doing so,, May seem inconsistent or undesirable, but it can make a long way to strengthen the change and go a long way towards the proximity of your friendship.