you are welcome Asking for a friendA monthly advice column that is dedicated to help you understand your mess, the most complex friendship moments. Every month, the clinical psychologist Mirium Kirimare, PhD, will respond to the burns of readers and anonymous. Did you get your own? Here Dr. Ask Mirium,

Dear Dr. Mirium,

I feel embarrassed to accept it, but my friend cut me to be “toxic”. Looking back, I used to put them down subtle and put them out because I was jealous. He was getting rid of his career, while I felt that I was trapped in myself, and only I missed these insecurity because of being around them.

Our friendship breakup has been almost 10 years. I still think of them all the time, and I really regret how I acted. Is it too late to apologize – especially since they are doing great without me? I would also like to potentially join again because we had never closed, but I don’t know how to go about it, and I am afraid to reject or call out. What to do me? Where do I start?

—The year is too late?

Ten years too late,

For you to be Kudos self-confident and think about your role in this long time, but think about all the lost friendship. It is not absolutely comfortable to have a good, difficult to look at the history of our friendship, is it? You raise many important questions, and I appreciate your emphasis on action: How Do I cope with this feeling of regrets and live? What Can I bring that connection again and even go back again?

Before you try to answer them, I want you to be eager about yourself Why, Why Do you feel forced to reach out after this time? Do you want to forgive? Are you looking for clarity due to the breakdown of your friendship? Expected to explain your behavior or even give a chance to justify? Want to re -establish a connection? There are no correct or wrong answers, but searching for you will help you answer your other question whether you Needed,

Here is the other missing piece: reaching your personal just about reaching the back of your motivations – it is about recognizing what is really in your control.

The truth is that, you cannot predict, very little control, how your friend will react. Similarly, you cannot force them to share your side of the story or even take the phone. (This uncertainty can be the one who is stuck in you Rumor cycle And family.) But you Be able to do Make it clear that you are open to apologize or interact.

If you were expecting to join again, you can send a message, like It took me some time to visit this place, but I was thinking a lot about how our friendship ended. I know I had a big role in him, and I really regret it. I am not reaching to justify my behavior and I do not expect anything in return. You don’t have to answer – but if you are open for it, I am here and I would like to catch.

Or, if you are giving priority to self-teaching and development: I know that listening to me can be a little unexpected (understanding). You are in my mind, and I really appreciate the opportunity to have a real conversation about what has happened between us. I am trying to learn from my past, and our friendship was a big part of that. Will you be open for phone calls or coffee too? Through this process, you can decide that “Close“To allow this connection to be vested in the past and express gratitude to those shared memories and lessons.

The second thing to rethink here is another thing: At which point does the gift of self-sufficiency spread to self-destruction? This is one thing to identify how our actions contribute to disconnection and struggle. It is another to label itself as “bad” or “toxic” friend.

You are definitely not the only person to turn to these labels (this is such a common subject in friendship therapy). But I am eager, whose words are these words? Are you repeating the language that others have used against you in moments of injury, or are you committed to continue injury under the guise of accountability?

This type of language is largely unexpected and completely non-specific. Labels invalidate very real pain and despair that you were experiencing at that time. And let’s be honest, does self-criticism make it clear what we really have to change or change that change? Spoiler Alert: It doesn’t definitely do it!

To cope with End of a friendship (No matter how much time has passed) And Get clarity at a possible harmony, we need a powerful mix of compassion and curiosity—The you then, who used to feel jealous and to mourn the loss of this friendship, but still for you, who still finds this difficult. My favorite way to do this? Ask yourself, “I a friend (maybe this friend too) what would I say to me in this moment?” Channel’s kindness inward.

Then there is also curiosity that what this previous friendship can teach you – or what it is already. Consider the story you are telling about the experience of your pre-friends: Is it possible that they see things differently what you are imagining that they are? Could they already forgive you? Can they be open to a harmony or, very at least, a conversation? Have they really moved forward in the way you believe? It turns out that we often underestimate how much previous friends enjoy listening from us, especially when it is unexpected.

But if your pre-friend is not receptive to your efforts, do not take it personally. Depending on how weak you were in your question, it seems that you have already started a lot of internal work – and this is something that you should really be proud. Just because you must have reduced a decade ago, it does not mean that you are not able to be a careful, thoughtful friend today. Now, how can you move your attention to connect more deeply with those who see you for this current version of yourself – who can include this previous friend or not?

Connected:

Got a dilemma of friendship? Here Dr. Submit your question to Mirium.